Fun Quotes/Jokes

on Howz Yer Teeth?!

Also visit Original jokes by Jamie Johnson

If God had intended men to smoke, He would have put chimneys in their heads.

If God had intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds.

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.

Someone came to me and told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Well, I just had to put my foot down.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

My friend was trying to mow her lawn this morning and ran over her dog's tail. Well, she grabbed the dog and wrapped his tail in a towel. I asked her what she did and she said she took him to Walmart. I said, "Why did you take him to Walmart?" She said, "Because Walmart is the nation's largest retailer."

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a large object.

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

There's a new type of broom out. It's sweeping the nation.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

You know why the guy fell down the well? He didn't see that well.

The jackhammer was a groundbreaking invention.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the no bell prize.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Here's the answer: Robin, get in the car.

What's blue and smells like red paint? Here's the answer: Blue paint.

Why can't the T-Rex clap? Here's the answer: Because he's dead.

Wanna know what makes me smile? Here's the answer: Face muscles.

Guess who I saw today? Here's the answer: Everybody I looked at.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Here's the answer: Because they have big fingers.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Here's the answer: A stick.

The best pet is: a) a dog, b) a cat, or c) a dog that eats cats.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

What did the chickpea say when she had a stomach ache?

Here's the answer: "I falafel!"
(source: BuzzFeed)

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? Well, the wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!
(source: BuzzFeed)

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off for his first day of school?

Here's the answer: "Bye Son."
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Here's the answer: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What do you call a fake noodle?

Here's the answer: An impasta.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Can February March?

Here's the answer: No, but April May.
(source: BuzzFeed)

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Here's the answer: Ten tickles.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Here's the answer: It was soda pressing.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What does an annoying pepper do?

Here's the answer: Gets jalapeño face!
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Here's the answer: He was outstanding in his field.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Here's the answer: It goes back four seconds.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Here's the answer: Pick a cod, any cod
(source: BuzzFeed)

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

Here's the answer: A gummy bear.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Here's the answer: Because it's pointless.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Here's the answer: Because they're shellfish!
(source: BuzzFeed)

Where do cows go on a first date?

Here's the answer: To the moooooooooovies.

Why didn't the melons get married?

Here's the answer: Because they cantaloupe!

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Here's the answer: Attire.
(source: DalyFocus)

What do you call a genetically-engineered cow?

Here's the answer: A mootant

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Here's the answer: Don't worry about him. He's just a product of our times.

When can 3 elephants stand under one umbrella and not get wet?

Here's the answer: When it's not raining.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Here's the answer: I don't know and I don't care.

What'd the alligator say when he bit off the monkey's tail?

Here's the answer: It won't be long now!

How was Rome split in two?

Here's the answer: With a pair of Caesars.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Here's the answer: Same middle name.

What's E.T. Short for?

Here's the answer: He's got little legs.

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Here's the answer: Push him down a mountain.

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Here's the answer: Poke him in the eyes.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

Here's the answer: The outside.

What do you call an explosive horse?

Here's the answer: Neigh-palm.
(source: source)

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?

Here's the answer: Because the P is silent.
(source: source)

Punny Jokes

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Why were the lndians here first? They had reservations.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope pop qurz.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Dad Jokes

If you bought a Delorean, would you drive it a lot ... or just from time to time?

My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future. I told her it's about time.

One night, I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I said to myself, "My roof has disappeared."

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus.

I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me. I never met herbivore.

My friends all claim that I'm the cheapest person they ever met. I'm not buying it.

Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time. I was shocked.

I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters. It's okay. I can Samurais it for you.

My wife sent me a text message only reading 'EARTH'. It meant the world to me.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit, but that's my two scents.

Thanks for explaning the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I gave all my dead batteries away ... free of charge.

My friend said to me, "What rhymes with orange". I said, "No, it doesn't."

I hate Russian nesting dolls. They are so full of themselves.

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician. They can go on about it forever.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

I saw an ad in a shop window: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

Why does a space-rock taste better than an earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.

Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

I entered a kleptomania competition. I got gold, silver and bronze.

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

The procrastination club's meeting has been postponed.

The sitcom about airplanes never took off. The pilot was terrible.

I couldn't get a reservation at the library. They were completely booked.

I applied to be a doorman, but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me. I thought it was an entry level position.

Everyone told Sam not to sing, but Samsung anyway.

A book fell on my head. I only had my shelf to blame.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

After my wife found out our bed was replaced with a trampoline, she went through the roof.

My boss told me to have a good day. So, I went home.

People said, "Follow your dreams." So, I went back to bed.

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 A.M. Can you believe it? Luckily, I was still up playing the drums.

I'm pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out.

Anytime you tell a terrible joke to your kids, walk away from them and yell it from across the room. If they groan, say, "I think I took this joke too far."

The Internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.

My son asked what our IP address was. I pointed to the toilet.

I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So, I gave him a glass of water.

Also see The Best And The Funniest Dad Jokes

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