Fun Quotes/Jokes

on Howz Yer Teeth?!

Also visit Original jokes by Jamie Johnson

If God had intended men to smoke, He would have put chimneys in their heads.

If God had intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds.

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.

Someone came to me and told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Well, I just had to put my foot down.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

My friend was trying to mow her lawn this morning and ran over her dog's tail. Well, she grabbed the dog and wrapped his tail in a towel. I asked her what she did and she said she took him to Walmart. I said, "Why did you take him to Walmart?" She said, "Because Walmart is the nation's largest retailer."

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a large object.

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

There's a new type of broom out. It's sweeping the nation.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

You know why the guy fell down the well? He didn't see that well.

The jackhammer was a groundbreaking invention.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the no bell prize.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Here's the answer: Robin, get in the car.

What's blue and smells like red paint? Here's the answer: Blue paint.

Why can't the T-Rex clap? Here's the answer: Because he's dead.

Wanna know what makes me smile? Here's the answer: Face muscles.

Guess who I saw today? Here's the answer: Everybody I looked at.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Here's the answer: Because they have big fingers.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Here's the answer: A stick.

The best pet is: a) a dog, b) a cat, or c) a dog that eats cats.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

What did the chickpea say when she had a stomach ache?

Here's the answer: "I falafel!"
(source: BuzzFeed)

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? Well, the wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!
(source: BuzzFeed)

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off for his first day of school?

Here's the answer: "Bye Son."
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Here's the answer: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What do you call a fake noodle?

Here's the answer: An impasta.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Can February March?

Here's the answer: No, but April May.
(source: BuzzFeed)

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Here's the answer: Ten tickles.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Here's the answer: It was soda pressing.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What does an annoying pepper do?

Here's the answer: Gets jalapeño face!
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Here's the answer: He was outstanding in his field.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Here's the answer: It goes back four seconds.
(source: BuzzFeed)

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Here's the answer: Pick a cod, any cod
(source: BuzzFeed)

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

Here's the answer: A gummy bear.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Here's the answer: Because it's pointless.
(source: BuzzFeed)

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Here's the answer: Because they're shellfish!
(source: BuzzFeed)

Where do cows go on a first date?

Here's the answer: To the moooooooooovies.

Why didn't the melons get married?

Here's the answer: Because they cantaloupe!

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Here's the answer: Attire.
(source: DalyFocus)

Punny Jokes

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Why were the lndians here first? They had reservations.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope pop qurz.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Howz Yer Teeth?!